Out of Service
by Brandywine421
Summary: One-shot. Ryan's out of service.
1. One Shot

AN: For joey, who wanted Scruffy!Ryan in a motel. (God, don't we all want that?) One shot.  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything OC related.

* * *

He digs his bruised hand into his pocket and finally pulls out a key amongst the sparse cash he's stuffed in his jeans.

He jams it in the lock but the shoddy motel door opens before he even turns it.

"Fucking ghetto," He mumbles. His voice is hoarse but he hasn't needed to use it in a while.

He's been drifting for weeks. Since the baby died.

_It's your fault! I didn't want any of this, it's your fault!_

He drops the key and the cash on the lopsided nightstand beside the bed. The covers are rumpled from the lady he'd woken up with but he hasn't had a good night's sleep in weeks.

Since the baby died.

He shakes off his thoughts and goes into the bathroom.

His hair is shaggy and hangs in his face. He doesn't recognize his eyes through the bangs and the unshaven beard.

Sometimes he wonders if Seth would even recognize him.

He can't think about Seth. He won't. He's alone, now. He's where he belongs. Alone.

He runs a hand through his hair and brushes it out of his face before splashing it with water.

Even the water smells cheap. It doesn't wash off the bruise from the fight last night.

He never was a calm drinker, he always seemed to lose his temper. Last night was no exception.

All he has to show for it is the bruise on his face and the pain in his chest.

He's not running from who he is anymore.

_You did this! You ruin everything you touch!_

Teresa's words are haunting him. He hears her everywhere. He sees her accusations in everyone he sees.

The baby died. He'd tried to catch her when she'd tripped, but he couldn't. he didn't.

Now he's alone. Where he belongs.

The woman from last night left her barrette and he drops it in the trash as he walks out of the bathroom. It's not like he'll be seeing her again.

He's been in this motel for three days. One of the longest pauses so far.

The beach is only a ten minute walk away, though. He's been finding himself there frequently.

Something about the waves crashing onto the sand reminds him of how his life has crashed to a halt but still keeps on going.

The ocean washes away a little bit of sand with each wave. Kind of like the way he loses a little more of himself every day.

Seth would say he's gone dark.

But Seth's not here. There is no Seth.

There's only Ryan and he doesn't think about things like that.

He thinks about how he's going to get enough money for the next motel. He thinks about how he needs to eat today because the alcohol needs something to soak into. He thinks about how he needs to buy a new pair of sneakers because he got blood on the ones he's been wearing. He thinks about how he needs to buy some more liquor so he can try and take a nap without the dreams.

_I can't believe I asked you here! All you do is make things worse! _

He picks up the key and the cash and reaches into his other pocket for his lighter and cigarettes. He lights one, ignoring the wheeze in his lungs from his chain-smoking habit, and walks outside.

He doesn't know where he is, exactly, and he doesn't care. The beach is close enough for him to be satisfied.

He walks slowly, his worn shoes digging into his heel because he ran out of socks a week ago. There's a hole in his jeans, right above the knee and it helps him stay cool in the smothering heat.

His wife beater is gray, the last store was out of white ones, but he doesn't mind. Grey is more fitting. White means he's clean and pure. And black would mean he's all evil. Grey is in between.

He isn't innocent, but he hopes he's not evil.

He didn't mean to let her fall.

He meant to catch her.

He keeps his eyes on the sidewalk, counting the cracks as he walks. He remembers the old nursery rhyme, step on a crack, break your mother's back.

His mom would definitely remember him if that were true.

He keeps walking. When he gets to the beach, he sits down on the closest dune where he could still hear the cars driving by but he could hear the ocean, too.

----- ---- - - ------ --- - ---- -- --- --- ------ -- -- ------- -- ----- - -- ------ -- - ------ -- -- -- -- -------- - - ------ - -- --

It's dark when he returns to the room. He'd made a few dollars scamming a pool game at a bar down the beach and he's half-done with his bottle of Jack Daniels.

His stomach is boiling as he tries to fit the key in the lock again. Remembering earlier, he simply shoves it open.

The drinks make Teresa's voice quieter. But they make him think more.

Her broken face. Her displaced rage. Her hatred for him. She'd always loved him, she's always been his best friend. But she hates him now. He gave her a baby and then he took it away.

He should've caught her.

But she fell so fast and he couldn't get to her in time.

He slams the door closed and takes two more swallows from the bottle before setting it down on the table.

His beard itches. As he lights a new cigarette, he runs his fingers across it. He never gets carded. No one questions him. He remembers Seth watching a cartoon where a little short kid wanted a beard. Said he was 'rugged'. He feels rugged. Like he's been in the woods alone for way too long.

There's no maid service in this place. He stretches out on the bed and inhales deeply off the cigarette.

Sometimes he thinks he should call someone. Anyone.

But he can't. He's disconnected now. His lines of communication are no longer in service.

He doesn't want to see the disappointment on Sandy's face. He doesn't want to hear the pity in Kirsten's voice. He doesn't want them to take attention away from their son.

Seth's gone.

He won't think about that either. He's guilty enough as it is, if he thinks too much about that, he'll end up breaking the mirror again.

There's a knock on the door but he doesn't get up. They'll go away. They always do.

It's probably the woman from last night. He didn't catch her name.

He lights a fresh cigarette as he picks up the bottle.

_Go! Get out! I don't want you here anymore! I never want to see you again! You're nothing to me!_

There's another knock, louder this time.

He can't think of any laws he's broken. Except the underage drinking, but nobody really cares about him so it shouldn't be cops.

Maybe the girl wants her hair barrette back. He gets up and goes over to the trash can and picks it up from atop an empty bottle.

He swings open the door and holds out the hair bow.

"What the hell are you doing?"

He doesn't answer. He drops the barrette and turns his back on the man.

"Ryan…"

He doesn't speak. He has no words. He's out of service. Even for Seth.


	2. Two Shot

"What the hell are you doing?"

And immediately, he knows that he's said the wrong thing. But everything about this is wrong. Ryan standing here after all this time holding out a woman's hair bow like he doesn't even know Seth.

Ryan turns his back on him and reaches behind him to close the door. He doesn't even focus on Seth, he just ignores him entirely.

"Ryan…" He has to make this right. Everything's just spiraled out of control and he can't let it go on any further. He'd been blissfully ignorant of all the Newport drama until his father had shown up in Portland to drag him back. He steps into the room before Ryan can close the door.

He should never have left. None of this would have happened if he had stayed. If he'd helped Ryan. Or at least been a real friend to Ryan.

Or at least that's what his parents keep saying.

_You're spoiled, Seth. From now on, you're on your own. See if you can survive without your trust fund for a few years. Let's see if you can support yourself, let alone a girlfriend and a baby. _

So the parents had taken away his credit card, giving him a strict 20 dollar allowance.

But the money wasn't what was killing him.

Losing Ryan for real…this was killing him.

He'd seen Teresa. Heard her screams, her words blaming Ryan for the accident. The next day she was crying, begging for him to come back to her. Stupid girl didn't know what she was thinking; she was put away now in a mental hospital much like the one Marissa had been shipped off to.

She'd tripped. She'd tripped over a pair of shoes that she'd left out. It wasn't Ryan's fault. Everyone knew that except Ryan.

_We can't find him, Seth. So, now, all of a sudden you're concerned about him? For once, you care about someone other than yourself?_

"Ryan. Ryan, man…look at me…"

His blue eyes are muted and dull. He's not even acknowledging me. Hasn't he missed me? Hasn't he wondered what the hell I've been doing?

"What?"

Seth doesn't recognize his voice, its hoarse and gravelly, like it hasn't been used in days. Knowing Ryan, it probably hasn't. But he'll talk to me. He has to. It's the only way to get things right again.

"Ryan…I've been looking for you everywhere, god, you're not an easy one to find, it's like you're fucking invisible, you're the only person that I know that uses cash to get around, I didn't even think places took cash as payment anymore…"

_Did you think he'd come home without you here? Did you really think that Ryan Atwood would come back to stay here without you…are you really that self-absorbed?_

He lapses into a babble, hoping that he'll recognize the man standing in front of him but it doesn't work. The Ryan he knows is dead, he sees that now. This Ryan, he's dead, too. It's in his eyes. He's lost everything.

"Ryan, you have to come home…"

"Home." Ryan tests the word out on his tongue.

"Yes, home, Newport, Mom and Dad, they're worried sick about you and let me tell you, it's not helping my 'please forgive me for sailing away' case with you not having my back, you know?"

Ryan turns around. He reaches over to the warped dresser and picks up a bottle of liquor. Ryan never drank like this…looked like this. Ryan's not like this…

"Come on, man, say something…"

"Get out," he mutters, waving at Seth, dismissing him.

His phone starts to ring in his pocket. He'd told his parents that he was out with Summer, they don't know that Summer hasn't spoken to him since he left. They don't know that his grandfather's been supporting his search for Ryan. They don't know that he finally found him.

"What are you doing here?" He asks. He needs an answer.

"There's nothing for you here, Seth. Go home."

_He never accepted his place here. He never thought he belonged here. The only reason he stayed was because of you. You needed him. He hasn't ever been a part of something where he wasn't needed…we were supposed to be his family, people that don't expect anything of him, people that don't need anything from him…how do you think it made him feel to know that you'd left? _

"I'm not leaving without you. My place is here. With you."

And for a second, Seth thinks that Ryan's going to hit him. The way he spins around with the bottle clenched in his swollen fingers, the way his eyes flash with anger and hurt and pain, the way his muscles seem to ripple under his wifebeater.

"What the hell are you even talking about? What are you even doing here, Seth?"

"I'm here because you need to come home. With me, with your family…I know that what happened with Teresa…" He has to make Ryan understand…

"You don't know anything…"

And he's right. Seth doesn't know anything. He doesn't know why he's here, he doesn't know why Teresa lashed out at him, he doesn't know why Ryan didn't go to his parents for help, he doesn't know anything about what Ryan's been going through.

"I know that you're hurting and you don't know what to do. I know that you're running because you don't think you have anywhere else to go. I know that you want to come back with me…" Seth's reaching but he has to. He has to bring Ryan back. It's the only way to fix the mess that he's made. It's the only way his parents will forgive him.

Ryan doesn't look at him. He takes another swallow from the bottle and then slings it into the trash can. He lights a cigarette.

Seth's phone rings again. He answers it out of frustration, he's not getting anywhere with Ryan and he can't handle the damned thing buzzing in his pocket. "What?"

"Seth? Where the hell are you?"

"Dad, I told you when I left…"

"You lied to me. I just saw Summer at the Newport social, so again, I'm asking you, where the hell are you?"

Seth turns his attention back to Ryan.

His blue eyes are even duller now that when he got here, but he's watching. Listening. He wants to come home, he wants to be with Seth, be with his family, he just needs…he needs something.

Seth holds out his phone, his father's yells echoing through the small room.

"Here. You tell him where we are. Tell him that I'm not coming back without you. Tell him that I'm bringing you home…tell him."

"Fuck you," Ryan whispers.

"Seth? Goddammit, Seth, say something!" His father's voice is getting angrier by the second. He takes a step closer to Ryan. Ryan won't hit him, he won't hurt him. He holds out the phone.

"Fuck you," Ryan repeats.

Seth steps closer, pushing the phone into his hand. "Tell him. If you won't listen to me, talk to him."

Seth lets himself breathe when Ryan finally lifts the phone to his ear.


	3. Three Shot

Sandy's going gray. He thought that he'd be bald first, pulling his hair out because of his wife's anger, pulling it out by the handful because of his spoiled son, pulling it out painfully for losing the boy that he'd tried so desperately to help.

All summer, he'd dealt with Seth's tantrum, Kirsten's anger at him for not keeping Seth in town and Ryan's placating insistences that everything was fine. He'd had enough. Kirsten keeps saying that he's being too hard on Seth, being too hard on all of them, but dammit, they're being hard on him, too.

He needs his family back. All of them.

Yeah, he grounded Seth, took away his spending account, but it's for his own good.

And he thought that Seth was coming around, he's been spending time with Kirsten, trying to help out around the house, he even took out the trash yesterday.

Then, tonight, Sandy sees Summer. She asks how Seth's doing. Says she hasn't talked to him in weeks.

The boy is lying to him again.

Sandy can't take this right now. He's dealing with Caleb's mess and Teresa's breakdown and Ryan's vanishing from the face of the earth. He can't take more lies.

So he calls him, pulls out his phone on the front steps of the Newport Hilton and dials his son in his tuxedo. Kirsten's going to have his head for walking out before the Newpsie's raffle, but he has to put an end to this.

"What?" Seth answers. It's like he's inconvenienced to talk to his own father.

"Seth? Where the hell are you?" And he better have a good explanation. He isn't sure what explanation will quench his anger, but it'll have to be a damned good one.

"Dad, I told you when I left…" Sandy can't believe that he's going to continue to lie to him…who is this boy that used to be his son?

"You lied to me. I just saw Summer at the Newport social, so again, I'm asking you, where the hell are you?"

Sandy really needs Seth not to do this. He really needs Seth to step up and take responsibility for himself, he needs Seth to accept that Ryan leaving was not their fault, to accept that Seth can survive in Newport without Ryan.

"Seth, I mean it, if you don't come home right now or at least try being honest with me for once in your life, I swear that you'll be grounded until you graduate from college, no car privileges, no phone privileges, no computer privileges…Seth?"

And it's almost like no one's on the other end, there's just silence. Seth hasn't hung up, but he isn't talking either.

"Seth, goddammit, say something!" Sandy can't take this. He needs his son back...he's not in Portland anymore, but he's not fully back…anger's the only way he can even get a reaction out of him.

And all of a sudden, there's breathing on the phone. And it's not Seth's breathing…it's someone else.

"Seth?" Sandy doesn't know what's happening but he senses that it's important. He shouldn't have yelled. Seth wouldn't pull something like this if it wasn't important.

"Sandy…" the voice comes out as a whisper but he recognizes it. He hears it in his dreams and his nightmares.

"Oh, god, Ryan? Ryan, is it you? Where are you, are you all right? Son, just tell me that you're all right…"

"Seth's here," he says flatly.

"Ryan…please, Ryan…come home. Please…we know what happened to Teresa, we know that it wasn't your fault…" Sandy has to get everything he's wanted to say to Ryan out in the open right now in case the boy bolts again. He doesn't know how the hell Seth found him when the top five best PI's in the state haven't had any luck, all he knows is that he's found him. "Please, just tell me you're okay and that you'll come home…we'll fix everything…"

"Fix everything? Both of you…you're insane…" he whispers.

"Ryan. Are you listening?" Sandy doesn't know Ryan's state of mind, he can only tell from the few words that the boy's uttered, but he knows that he has to get through to him now or he'll lose his chance. Ryan will listen to him, Ryan respects him, Ryan knows that he won't hurt him or make him do anything that isn't for the best.

After a long pause, he answers. "Yes."

"Will you come home?"

"I don't think I can…"

Sandy hears his son talking suddenly in a spurt of words that he can't interpret. Seth needs him to come home, too. They all need Ryan. Their family doesn't work anymore without Ryan. He needs to be there, to put his arms around the boy, to bring him back.

"Ryan. Please…we don't care about what happened, we only care about you. Please…"

"Sandy? Who are you talking to?" Kirsten's voice startles him from behind. She sees his face and immediately knows that it's serious. "Who is it? Is Seth all right? Is it Dad?"

"Seth's found Ryan…" he whispers, covering the mouthpiece clumsily as he hears Seth speaking more urgently in the distance.

"Ryan?" She reaches out and takes the phone from him in a flash, her face flushing with emotion. "Ryan? Is it you?"

Sandy puts his arm around her and leans close to listen to the response, if any.

Kirsten glances at him, her free hand winding its way into his and squeezing tightly. "Ryan, I know you're hurting, I know this is hard, but you can come home…your home is here, with us…let us help you…please, whatever's happened, whatever you're feeling, let us help you…please…"

And there's nothing from the other end. Not breathing, not a whisper, nothing.

"Ryan…please. Just let us see you…we just want to see you…"

The dial tone startled them both.


	4. Four

Kirsten watches her husband pace back and forth across the kitchen as if by pure 'wishing' he can bring Seth and Ryan home. She was harsh on him all summer, blaming him for Seth's 'Newport-vacation' simply because he was there, the only member of her family left to blame.

She regrets it now, seeing how hard it's made him. He's so angry at Seth, so hurt that he would abandon the family. They all missed Ryan.

Sandy especially. Seth had never been close with him, he'd always been a 'mama's boy' and never liked Sandy's stories of his life outside of Newport. But Ryan was different. Ryan always respected Sandy and listened to him implicitly. Ryan had made Sandy feel like a worthy man, like a real father. Once Ryan had arrived, even Seth started confiding in Sandy more. Ryan had changed their family.

They should have known that he'd change it even more once he was gone. Seth hadn't stayed around long enough to see how he'd function as an only child again, he'd taken off. And she resented him for it. She resented Sandy for having to forcefully bring him home. And no matter how apologetic and genuinely sorry Seth was for leaving, he wasn't her perfect son anymore. She'd said some things to him since he got back that she regretted.

But she knew he was hurting just as much as she was when they found out about Teresa.

She has some harsh words for that girl, too. Dragging Ryan to Chino to support a baby that turned out not even to be his. Blaming him for the loss of the child simply because she could. Kirsten didn't care that the girl was broken now, committed to a hospital for her depression, all she cared about was that Ryan, who had given up everything for her, was gone. Gone.

Hearing his voice tonight has been the best thing that's happened since Seth came back. He's alive. He's safe. Seth's with him.

She would tell Sandy to stop pacing but she knows that it won't do any good. No word from Seth since Ryan had hung up on them. He isn't answering his phone and they can only pray that when he walks in, that Ryan will be walking with him.

She knows that things are far from okay, but they'll be closer if Seth brings Ryan home. Lots closer.

She sees Sandy pause in his step as the front door slams closed. She rushes past him toward the front door and they both freeze by the stairs.

"Come on, man…it's okay…" Seth's voice is placating, like he's talking to a child or a puppy and Kirsten sees Ryan standing behind him, his face hidden by shaggy hair and an unshaven beard. He looks old. Too old to be Ryan. But it's him.

She pushes past Sandy and goes to his side, ignoring all the signals that he's sending out to keep her away. She wraps her arms around him and holds him as tight as she can, he doesn't need to breathe, not as much as she needs to hold him.

"I'm so glad you're here…" she whispers, hoping he will hear her, hear how much they missed him, how much they love him and need him.

"I'm sorry…" he murmurs, shaking in her arms.

She releases him and takes his face in her hand, searching his eyes for something…anything that she can get to listen to her. "You don't have anything to apologize for. Okay?"

He nods, lowering his gaze immediately. She can smell the alcohol on him. She can see the exhaustion and disgust hanging off his bones. He's tired, too hurt to be around anyone. But he's her family…her son. This is what she's here for. To help. To fix everything. She'll take care of him.

"My turn," Sandy says, taking him from her and embracing him fondly. "God, kid…you had us worried…are you okay?"

Ryan doesn't answer, simply staring at the carpet but something flickers across his face. He shuffles in place, clearly unsure of how to act here.

"Let's get you cleaned up, where are your things?" Sandy asks, looking to Seth.

"He doesn't have any things. I made him leave the liquor bottle in the hotel room and his clothes…I think he just bought new ones when the old ones got too dirty…he doesn't have anything," Seth replies, putting a hand on Ryan's shoulder.

Kirsten doesn't know what happened between her boys in the past few hours, but something has changed. Seth somehow convinced Ryan to come back with him and Ryan seems to trust him more than before. He doesn't react to Seth's touch but meets his gaze.

"The poolhouse. You can take a shower and then we'll feed you. Just like I said, okay?" Seth asks, raising an eyebrow.

Ryan nods. "Okay…"

"I'll walk with you, make sure you don't disappear," Sandy says, throwing an arm around him and glancing proudly at Seth as he ushers him from the room.

"Seth…"

"You think Dad forgives me now? Do you forgive me now?" Seth asks quietly, turning to her.

"Seth, we love you. You will always be loved…" She pulls him into a hug and unlike Ryan, he winds his arms around her and returns her embrace.

"I know…I just needed to do something…I know I'm spoiled, I know that I don't deserve great parents like you and Dad…I just want you guys to stop being mad at me…" he says and she can feel his tears soaking into her shoulder.

"Oh, honey…" She doesn't know what to say. She hates that they've been so hard on him. He doesn't deserve the blame either. There's too much blame.

"He's so sad, Mom…I couldn't leave him there…after you talked to him, he didn't say anything, he just dropped the phone and sat down and I thought he was going to cry but he didn't…he just sat there and listened to me talk…" Seth explains, pulling away and wiping his eyes, self-conscious.

"Like old times," Kirsten says, walking with him into the kitchen. Seth smiles.

"I got him to come back…basically I just took his arm and he didn't fight me when I dragged him to the taxi. I've been using Grandpa's money, strictly for travel expenses…but I guess I'll be in trouble with Dad for that, too…" he says.

"I don't think your father will mind since you brought Ryan back…" Kirsten replies.

"I hope not…" Seth mutters.

Sandy steps into the house, leaving the door open behind him. He smiles at her, but turns to Seth who is clearly waiting to be chastened. Sandy pulls him into a tight embrace. "I don't care how you did it…but thank you…"

And Seth's crying again and she starts to cry because this is what she's been wanting for so long…

"Dad…where's Ryan?" Seth sniffles.

"He's asleep. He didn't say anything, he just sat down…and he fell asleep. I'm going to stay with him…make sure he's okay," Sandy says, releasing Seth and dabbing at his eyes, too.

"We'll all stay with him. I'll order us something so he can eat when he wakes up," she says, going to the phone. Ryan's favorite meal is still circled on the menu when she picks it up. She watches Sandy and Seth walk side by side to the poolhouse.


End file.
